Absentee Childhoods
Broken homes. We have a lot of them.
Do you have any idea how many single mothers leading lives of "quiet desperation" contact me? Single mothers, struggling to put food on the table, struggling to parent well when they also have to work 50 hours a week to survive; struggling with substandard homes, substandard health care, struggling to cope with vaccines, medicines, produce, and goods they don't trust to be healthy.
You mothers out there, keep mothering. Keep doing what you're doing. Mothers don't have to be fathers, you just have to be there. Let your kids know that you wish things were different, but plenty of kids do fine without a father around. Don't go for serial dating while you're looking for a substitute father; surviving serial temporary fathers is harder on your child than having no father at all. Emphasize your child's strengths. Turn to the healthy relationships in your extended family to provide a vision of male role models.
The father's role is to be a support person for the mother, a breadwinner, a role model, and one of the socializers of the children.
Where are the fathers out there?
I know I'll get email about this, but I'm not saying this to the fathers that are already doing their job. If you're there, you know how important you are to your family's survival. I'm sure you look out of your window every day and see all of those unfathered children out there, and your heart bleeds for them too.
I remember a day years ago, when a neighbor's daughter was standing outside of her house. Let's call her Katy, for the sake of anonymity. Katy was wearing a pretty dress, and very excited. So my daughter talked to Katy for a while, then came back home. I found her standing on the porch, facing out toward the street, watching cars go by, seeming hopeful and hopeless at the same time. She'd look closely at each car as if she were waiting for someone, but then the car would drive away, and with each passing, she was that much more disappointed.
I finally asked her what was wrong.
She said, "Katie visited her father for the weekend."
I found ways to distract her, but there were still weekends after that where I would find my daughter waiting in her pretty dress, waiting for her father to come. And he didn't. I can still see her walking back inside, disappointed and somehow gallant, still believing that he would be there for her, not when it was convenient for him, but when she needed him.
There were plenty of days when I passed up serving my family nutritious food for stuff I could afford just so we could make ends meet. When we had too many starches on the table, because they do such a great job of stretching a meal.
To the absentee fathers out there: you already know the obvious, that without your contribution, your kids are more likely to be inadequately housed, and more likely to be going hungry. Do you know that when you are involved in your children's education, your kids are more likely to get "A"s, enjoy school, participate in extracurricular activities and less likely to repeat a grade? Did you know your being there helps make your child more well rounded, more confident, less emotionally unstable? That fathers who acknowledge their children as capable and beautiful individuals, have children who grow up knowing that they are loved for who they are. But children who don't get that kind of attention from their fathers will be insecure, and have low self esteem. For the rest of their lives.
To you fathers out there who don't manage to make time for your children, or provide money for their support: you're doing an evil thing. You are biologically and socially designed to be half of their support. You know what would happen to your house if half of it's foundation was removed? It would collapse. That is what you are doing to your children: collapsing their lives.
Not only are you stealing your child's childhood. Just like that house with half of the foundation gone, you are setting your child up for failure.
Broken homes lead to broken lives.
You absentee fathers, step up to the plate, and be a father. Before it is too late.
Currently, I am the President of the consulting firm, Brockovich Research & Consulting, where I am involved in numerous major environmental cases